Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

You deplete me

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

Where’s my employee discount too?

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away