Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

If you’re testing me, we failed.

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

“TGIM!” – My liver

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

I’m aging like a fine banana

All. The. Damn. Time.

…żyje?

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

🐟✨ #re4