Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
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Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.
*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Scott Walker is dropping out of the Presidential race. In a nationwide poll of likely voters nearly 98% responded to the news with, “Who?”