[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
me after drinking all the wine:
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?