[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
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*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Never let them know your next move 😂
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.