*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
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Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad