*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
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And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?