Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

The struggle is real.

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”