Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound

Me: omg

Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?

Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix

I just noticed a label on the bottom today

It’s a soup bowl