Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

Breaking news:

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

he looks great for his age