*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
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[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
When you pick your nose after dusting the house