*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I beg your pardon?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I have a new favorite meme page
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me