*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
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Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.