Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

Ok cat haters, explain this…

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out