*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
You Might Also Like
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.