Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
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Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
#NeverForget
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
yeah not falling for this one
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
You’re not my real can
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.