liiiiiiiiike
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It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
by any beans necessary
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”