To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
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1.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
The real reason evolution started..😂
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no