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I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Has there ever been a more American story?
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.