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Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
*offers Batman cough drops*