Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

👀

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*