“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
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Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters