“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
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My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
If you don’t like coffee, you’re probably just not putting enough Baileys in it
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
This kid is going places
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute