“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
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[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Catercrombie & Fish
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info