“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

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Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.


The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.


Don’t even talk to me unless you’re an actual cup of coffee. In which case I’d listen to your story as I slowly sip the life from you.


You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.


[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby


[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?


Baker: this new dough tastes burned and feels like twigs

Friend: tie it in a knot and cover it in salt. It’ll be PERFECT


Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states

“A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal”



Me: *has debilitating crush on a nerd*

Nerd: What you feel is a burst of norepinephrine increasing arousal and focus-

Me: *swoons*