@BuckyIsotope

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

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@IamJackBoot

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

@WilliamAder

The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.

@ibid78

Don’t even talk to me unless you’re an actual cup of coffee. In which case I’d listen to your story as I slowly sip the life from you.

@thomasdynamic

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

@murrman5

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

@PhuckinCody

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

@hermanntrude

Baker: this new dough tastes burned and feels like twigs

Friend: tie it in a knot and cover it in salt. It’ll be PERFECT

@shwebby2

Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states

“A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal”

@elizabeth_fels

[Club]

Me: *has debilitating crush on a nerd*

Nerd: What you feel is a burst of norepinephrine increasing arousal and focus-

Me: *swoons*