Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
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Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
This meeting could have been a cake
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Not today.. 😂
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
This is me 🤣🤣
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian