Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
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Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!