Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.