Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
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#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.