Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
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Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
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My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that