Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
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I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My blood type is coffee.
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”