Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just a reminder, folks:

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.