Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
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Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
You know…for fall…
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.