Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best