Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
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The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
not for long
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935