Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
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Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.