like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
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I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.