like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
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no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is