like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
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after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I want to meet the individual who made this
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard