Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
You Might Also Like
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔