Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
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[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
No way!
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.