Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget

McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

Covert ops

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.