Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
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In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Still cracks me up
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower