Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
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Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs