Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
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I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”