Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.