Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
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wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.