ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
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If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
🤣😂🤣
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed