Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?