Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
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I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.