Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
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I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
some things should go without saying
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun