Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

drew a comic about my origin story

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother