Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

Festive toon…

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse