Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

As a doctor, I can confirm

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?