Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.