Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
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If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics