Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
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My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Need WebMD
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.