Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
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I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap