Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.