Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
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I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you