Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
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new career option?
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.