Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
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I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
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I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Did…did a minotaur write this
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!