Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.