Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.