Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

the red hot silly peppers

“i miss shittin on people”

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one