Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

A great tip. #CakeRex

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

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