Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
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If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.