Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
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Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000