Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
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What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.