Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
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I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.