Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
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Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.