Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
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Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
edward fingerhands
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
road rage
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how