Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

dictator is short for richard potato

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

The honesty is refreshing

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

We need to put an American base on the sun

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit