like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
You Might Also Like
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Lmao
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
This came to me in a dream.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
＿| ⊃／(＿＿_
／ └-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.