Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
