Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
